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Home > Reaching Across > Crisis Help > Marital Crisis > The Family in Crisis |
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Diffusing a Marital CrisisImmediate help:
Local Crisis Centers:
Asbury Members:
Long term work on a marriage:
Talk to your pastor for a list of "cooling-off" steps to calm a volatile marital situation and not make it worse. Not every marital crisis needs outside intervention; sometimes simple online advice, such as "How to fight fair in love and marriage," can help a couple resolve a crisis and mend the damage. THE FAMILY IN CRISIS by Michael G. Froke, M.F.C.C. Introduction It has been my experience that the majority of clients who seek family therapy do so, not as a result of deep psychological problems, or emotional disorders, but because they have met some obstacle that the family cannot solve or move past. This article will help identify some of the common crisis situations that impact families, and the symptoms of stress in children and adolescents. It will also offer suggestions to parents for helping their children in crisis. A family crisis might be defined as a problem that cannot be solved or addressed with the family's normal or customary problem solving skills. This may be caused by the uniqueness of the problem, the sheer intensity of the problem, or the presence of negating behaviors that impede any practical solution to the problem facing the family. During the period of crisis, the family may struggle to maintain its normal structure and organization. Times of family crisis can be seen as opportunities for change and growth, although the initial focus is on relieving the immediate problem. What often results is a family that has resolved the presenting problems and has increased it's repertoire for dealing with future crises. Crises that are experienced by families may be seen as developmental problems that impact the structure and identity of the family, or they may be created by traumatic and unforeseen incidents. The developmental issues can be as challenging and traumatic to the family as a natural disaster or other external stresses. Developmental Crises The most common stresses identified with developmental issues involve situations where individuals are leaving or entering the family system. A sample of developmental crises may include:
Each developmental stage is associated with the completion of certain developmental tasks, and when there is interference with these tasks, a possible crisis situation occurs. Families dealing with developmental crisis often find themselves regressing to behaviors that worked at an earlier stage of development (i.e. the family that struggles with the early stage of adolescence by utilizing rules and limitations that worked with young children). They often engage in conflicts paralleling their own family of origin, where their own family did not successfully work through a specific developmental stage. As frustrating as these stresses might be, they are generally predictable and part of the normal cycle of all families. Crisis Situations There is another category of crises that often brings a family into therapy, and those are the various situations in life that may come suddenly without warning . These unexpected circumstances are often characterized by loss, from loss of a loved one to a loss of control of the course of one's life. Some examples of these crises might be:
Traumatic Incidents As our society becomes more complex and violent, family therapists are faced with families that have experienced intense traumatic events that have created far deeper and wide ranging emotional problems. The third category of crisis or traumatic events have the potential to throw even the most highly functioning family into chaos. By their very nature, they present the victims with life threatening events and will often change the course of an individual or family forever. Individual and family psychotherapy has provided hope for many victims of the following traumatic incidents:
Each of the circumstances listed in the three categories has the potential to disrupt the normal flow of the family experiencing the crisis, and in doing so, can produce a wide range of problems. In many cases the family structure and system will never be quite the same, however many families experience phenomenal stresses, continue to grow, and often come out stronger for the experience. Symptoms of Traumatic Stress in Children Children have a strong need and desire to feel safe in their environments, whether that is defined as family, school, or community. Many of the crisis situations discussed here have the clear potential of disrupting that sense of safety and comfort, and children and adolescents (and adults) often react strongly when feeling frightened or vulnerable. The reactions of children to crisis is often the precipitating factor that brings a family in for treatment. There is a broad range of symptoms that might be experienced by a child in stress: some might experience aggressive behaviors to mask their vulnerability, others might experience somatic or physical complaints such as headaches or stomach problems, while others might become unusually withdrawn and depressed. The following list is suggestive of some symptoms by age groups, but it is not intended to be all-inclusive. Preschool
6 to 11 years of age
Ages 12 to 17 years of age
Taken individually, each of these symptoms is not enough to be indicative of a major reaction to crisis or stress. However, when viewed in conjunction with other symptoms and an identified crisis, this is an indication of a problematic reaction. If left unaddressed, serious problems can result for the family and all family members. It is important to realize that all of these are normal reactions to an abnormal stress in the child or adolescent's life. Suggestions for Parents The following section is offered to help parents who are identifying symptoms of stress in their children. It is extremely important to recognize that family crises have an impact upon all family members, even if only one member appears to be symptomatic. Allow time for the family to heal, and give each individual family member the opportunity to heal at their own pace. It is clearly a time to be more tolerant and flexible. 1. Spend time with your children. Under situations of extreme stress one of the first things to be sacrificed is time and attention to each child. Your activities do not need to be extensive or complex, and sometimes the simplest activities can be the most meaningful. For instance, helping a child with their chores, or taking a quiet drive or walk. An extra story or book at bedtime is an excellent way to connect with your child. 2. Play Together. Put the thoughts of needing to get things done aside for a few moments each day and just play with your children. Let the child lead with the choice of activities and even how closely the rules will be followed. The need to relax and enjoy the game is as important for the adult as it is for the child. The way a child expresses themselves in play is often an indication of how they are processing the stress of a family crisis. An attentive parent can learn a great deal from simply watching their play. 3. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and ask questions. Being able to safely share emotions is a very important part of working through a family crisis. Feelings may be confusing to a child, especially when they are very intense or contradictory to the situation. If your child is not comfortable talking with you, let them know that others will be there for them, sometimes another relative, a teacher, sibling, or a therapist. Older children may be more comfortable with someone outside the immediate family. 4. Be honest. Let your children know how you honestly feel about the incident, even if the feelings are of sadness and grief. They will often know when you are not being truthful and the incongruent words, feelings, and behaviors can be very confusing. Make every effort to answer their questions honestly and directly. 5. Be reassuring. It is important to acknowledge to children that traumatic and unexpected things can happen in life, but that you and the other responsible adults in their lives will try to keep them safe. Again, it is important to be honest and not simply offer idle assurances. Allow them to express their feelings without fear of being chided or discounted. 6. Don't be afraid to ask for help. If your children's reactions continue for several weeks, or they are especially intense, talk to their teachers, school counselors or a psychotherapist that is experienced in working with children and traumatic stress. One of the important things to consider in seeking professional help is that these situation often reflect normal reactions to abnormal levels of stress, and not a failure on the part of the parents. Conclusion I hope this article has encouraged you to seek help for your family if needed. It is not that psychotherapists have all the answers, but help is available from competent and caring professionals who have much experience working through the situations that may be frustrating you. Crises and traumatic events drain an incredible amount of energy from the body and spirit, and when they are resolved there is increased energy available for other aspects of our lives. Too many lives and too much potential have been wasted due to trauma. Michael G. Froke, M.F.C.C.
Revised: May 11, 2009 |
